http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7846322/taking-concert-doubleheader-creed-nickelback-world-most-hated-bands

What's a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night pondering the existence of dog.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a climber?
Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar

Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?

What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.

Why was the boy crying?
Because he had a frog stapled to his face.

A piece of string walks into a pub - the bartender says that they dont serve pieces of string - the string leaves, does some streatches, tussles its hair and goes back in - bartender: werent you that piece of string that was just here? - string: no im afraid not.

Whats irish and sits outside all summer? Paddy O-chair

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink pig.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead too.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.

Why did the boy fall off his bicycle?
He was hit by a falling monkey.

Geology rocks.

Geologists are gneiss guys.

I don't know, one of my college geology profs was kind of a jerk...

Ah. So they weren't gneiss yet. That prof was still granite.

(Humanities major) Pleased to meet you, what do you do for a living?
(Programmer) Oh, I work with unix.
(Humanities major) Oh, that's horrible! We need to do something to help those poor men!

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Give me ten times the drinks of everyone else in the bar" and the bartender replies: "now that, my friend, is an order of magnitude"

How do you sink a Mexican Navy boat?
You pull the plug at the bottom of the bath tub.

Why did Canada decide to spell their name such?
Because someone suggested they spell it C-ay-N-ay-D-ay

How do we know bananas originated from Canada?
Because B-ay-N-ay-N-ay.

Heisenberg and schrodinger are driving down the highway when a police cruiser pulls them over. The police officer asks them "do you know how fast you were going??" and heisenberg replies "no, I don't, but I can tell you exactly where I was!". Considering this strange response to be grounds for a search, the officer looks in the trunk and says "Hey! Do you know there's a dead cat in your trunk?" and Shrodinger, much put out, replies "Well, I do now!"

good one, though used before wasn't it?!

Not that I could see unless I missed a post somewhere

Well, maybe not?

From the undergraduate student speaker at my Engineering graduation ceremony this last weekend:

"Congratulations my fellow graduates, you have all just joined 92% of Americans for a crushing advantage in in your bid to enter the workforce. You now have a piece of paper. That means you have a leg up on the 8% of Americans who don't. So consider yourself lucky, that in this booming economy, you are better qualified than the 8% of Americans who dropped out of college. You have nothing to fear from such dropouts as Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg because your piece of paper says you are more qualified than any of those academic failures. So pat yourself on the back and imagine the possibilities that await you!"

Also,

"A balloonist, unsure of where he is as he is flying over the countryside spots a man on the ground, so he descends and shouts down to him. 'Can you tell me where I am?' The man on the ground yells back. 'You are in a hot air balloon approximately 50 feet off the ground!' The balloonist replies, 'You must be an engineer.' The man on the ground shouts back 'Yes, how did you know?,' to which the balloonist responds, 'Because everything you have told me is technically correct but is in no way whatsoever useful to anyone.' The engineer retorts, 'You must be in management,' to which the balloonist responds 'Yes, but what gave it away?' The engineer responds 'Because you don't know where you are or where you need to go. In addition, you have the same problem you had before you met me, but now it's my fault.'"

I saw two blind men fighting the other day,
You should have seen them run when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

good ones both of you!

@Leif......y'all do game theory in Engineering? I thought you were an Econ guy.

Hey, I thought of one! Its kind of bad though I think!

what do you call a barefoot shaman who has brittle bones and bad breath?
a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

bump